Category: Mindfulness

It has been a few days since I have posted and I need to get thru the issues I have had with my mental health.

The last week has been a major setback in what I have tried to do and how I have attempted to manage my mental health and the emotional connection I have with my family and friends.

My mental health was not good

Things were going so well until I recently hurt myself, nothing serious so thats ok but it has affected my initial process I was trying to use to help manage my mental health and anxieties.

No being able to exercise for a few days due this injury has given me an excuse to let my routine slip and I am really feeling the effects of this thought process changing. I have reverted back to my old self.

Letting my emotions stray to a darker place, letting my mental health slip and until now I had not realised that I was also losing my ability to try and stay positive and see the good in everyday.

Family life has been affected by my mental shift and I feel guilty for again letting my mental health issues affect my family.

My eldest son has been quite quiet and reserved over the last week, this is not unusual but I have been getting more hugs from him so I think he can see the emotional strain I am under.

My youngest son has also been quite emotional over the last week, he wants more hugs and cuddles and doesn’t want to leave his mum. He has stated that he is scared of losing his parents. Maybe this is just hormones or due to the fact that I believe every child eventually realises that at his age. My wife remembers being scared of losing her parents. I do to but I am struggling to remember those times.

My family life was affected

This last week has also greatly affected my relationship with my wife. I have struggled to contain some aspects of my emotions, we have argued and generally not got on well. I am under alot of strain at the moment and not using physical exercise to mange my emotions and develop some positive thoughts has definitely taken its toll.

Having flashbacks to my childhood sexual abuse, waking up covered in sweat and not sleeping is a usual occurrence but I believe the lack of positivity and exercise has not helped.

When I got out of bed this morning I swore to myself that his has to change. I am going to do everything I can from now on to improve my familys home life.

I must make changes to my outlook on life and make sure I stick to them, otherwise I fear my mental health issues will cause my family more distress.

Created 24/09/2024

I have been struggling over the last couple of weeks with feelings about how others, including family and close friends perceive me. Just what do they see.

This has been playing on my mind alot since my wife bought me a treat to cheer me up the other week as I seemed so sad. It has been affecting me more than I realise and also the other members of my household.

Yes everyone does naturally have a bad few days, or a temper tantrum over something small but I am starting to notice that the more I worry about how others see me the more I realise how my issues from childhood abuse affect them. I don’t want to come across as grumpy, moody, stressed and snapping at loved ones for no apparent reason and I definitely don’t want my sons to accept that this is the normal way.

I try to be happy, I try to be connected in conversations, I try to smile and be emotionally involved in day to day interactions with my sons but sometimes its so hard. Its like watching a film with 3 different sound tracks at the same time and trying to remember the important parts on each one so that you can answer questions. Mentally its incredibly tiring.

My youngest son seems to pick up on this effect more than the other members of my family, sometimes he has to repeat what he’s said as I don’t seem to take the information I am being told in. I can see the frustration on his face, it appears that I am not listening to him but in reality I am. I feel guilty.

Other thoughts, worries, a lot of them irrational and flashbacks to my abuse and the stupid and irresponsible things I have done since regularly plague my mind throughout a normal day. Dealing with these thoughts and the mental and physical emotions they stir is physically tiring. You use a lot of energy everyday worrying and attempting to manage the effects of living with ptsd. I am starting to notice that I sweat an incredible amount throughout the day when I am having a bad day. This just shows the strain and stress of dealing with these thoughts has on my physical health.

My wife and I sat down to watch a film the other night on Netflix and all was going well until the content steered towards child trafficking and sexual abuse. This instantly fired my emotional and mental state into a almost panic mode, the hairs on my arms stood up and I started to feel sick and uncomfortable. I swear my wife looked at me slightly to check if I was ok with the films content. It wasn’t graphic or heavy going so I managed to calm down but for a good ten minutes I struggled to control my thoughts and relax so that I could continue to watch the film.

This proves that my past and how I have lived my life has and will always affect how my wife lives her life. She definitely made a correlation between the films content and how that would affect me.

Wouldn’t it be nice if she never had to worry about how something in a film would affect me for the next few minutes, hours or in the worst case days and potentially affect her life in dealing with my reaction. I don’t and have never wanted to affect other members of my family and friends with how I react to certain things but I cant. Its so hard to control.

Sometimes its easier to hide my emotional state than other times and I think I do this quite well. I don’t want people I hardly know to see how stressed and worried I am. I try and make a concerted effort to smile, be polite and engage in conversations and have a laugh.

Sunday was as different matter, I couldn’t hide my emotions and thoughts. I didn’t sleep as usual and woke up sweaty so I knew I had a nightmare, I just couldn’t remember it thankfully. This however started my day badly and I couldn’t concentrate on the day ahead, we had a captains versus members golf match at the golf club.

I was initially paired with a particular new member who is already known for his slow play. Being paired in a two ball group aggravated me considerably and couldn’t hide my frustration. Several members mentioned to me quietly that I had look of thunder on my face. Golf is quite personal and I find it frustrating to not play at a good level of speed. It affects not just my own game but others who have to play slowly.

I couldn’t hide how I felt, I was tired, emotionally knackered and not looking forward to this now. I even thought about walking away and that is not like me.

Unfortunately for other members I managed to get the groups changed and this meant that I didn’t have to play with this member, others did and experienced the very slow play. Maybe you think I am selfish and wrong for getting these changes made but I was struggling to hide and hold my frustrations back.

I wasn’t happy with myself on Sunday, I didn’t play very well during my game as I had made a change to my day which affected others and for that I felt very guilty. I was quite down on myself for what I had done and did apologise to the unfortunate members afterwards.

I owe them all a pint for this and will pay up.

Created 29/07/04

Yesterday I was in a good place after eating and I think this was very helpful. I wasn’t as tired and I believe this also helped level out my anxiety and depression. I had a productive afternoon at work, I went out and played golf in the evening with a friend and for once I actually managed to play well.

I know its simple, I need to eat to survive. I need good quality meals to help my body function well. I need to drink more fluids and I should be eating 3 times a day but my brain doesn’t think that way when my anxieties are taking over. I think its the thought of making myself eat instead of looking forward to enjoying what I eat that’s part of the problem.

This just goes to show how the effects of not eating regularly, looking after myself and not being able to relax has so much of an impact on my mental health and outlook on my day.

I tried to keep a positive attitude yesterday afternoon before going out to golf and this definitely helped keep my thoughts in a positive direction.

There were no intrusive thoughts that made me overly anxious, I will admit I was worried that I wouldn’t play well, trying to keep these worries out of my mind and relax took some doing but after the first 3 holes I settled down.

Using positive thoughts about myself instead of negative thoughts and not being over critical on my golf game, remember I haven’t been playing well for a few weeks and I’m still unsure of the issues, I decided to try and play confidently and play within myself. Controlled and rational thoughts did make a big difference. I made a few silly mistakes, didn’t always concentrate as much as I should. This is something I will definitely work on as I try and get better in my golf and everyday life situations.

I am happy with how I played, some good golf and some bad golf but overall happy with how it went. I will try and keep hold of this positive thought for my next round

We have a club golf match away at another golf course this weekend. Unfortunately I cant make it due to family commitments. I feel like I have let my fellow players down as I am the current vice captain. I haven’t missed a club match for ages and I feel bad about this and have explained to the captain. He has been understanding but I know I should be there to assist.

I will try and not dwell on this issue and keep positive, even this small thought can develop into a worry and can take my anxiety up several levels. Lack of self confidence and worrying abut how I act, how people see me really affects me. I’m always trying to hide this, I don’t want people to see how self conscious I truly am. It sounds daft but a small worry for one person can be easily blown up by my mind and the way it works.

I felt good last night as I went to bed, I wasn’t able to sleep for a while and eventually drifted off this morning. There were no overpowering thoughts of dread or worry for my mind to over analyse before I fell asleep.

Overall this has been helpful. I am starting to realise how much my health is affected by my mind and how much I need to fight thru and help myself realise I need to take better care of myself.