This is my story
My childhood was robbed from me just after my 13th birthday, up until this happened I had lived a fairly decent and happy childhood. This has caused me immense shame and guilt throughout my life. I have hidden this from so many people I call good friends.
I was sexually abused by my Army Cadet leader over 3 weekends during the winter of 1985 & 1986. Back in those days there were no real checks on adults running organisations. To me, as a child I was not aware that this type of thing could happen. I had been warned by my parents to not go off with strangers as a child.
Everything seemed normal, this is just what usually happened
There had already been a few nights of staying over at the cadet hut for events and it wasn’t unusual for the younger or junior cadets to be segregated from the older boys.
To this day I don’t want to know how many other boys were subjected to this type of abuse as it makes me physically sick just thinking about it.
The older cadets would get beer and other alcohol and the games would get rowdier so the younger cadets would sleep in the office with the leader.
We would drink cheap beer and get drunk, this lead to the initial abuse of being touched by the leader while in my underwear and being shown how to play with myself, these were little games he wanted to play.
One night, I was the only young cadet in his office and I was sexually abused physically by my adult leader whilst drunk and threatened with violence if I told anyone about what happened. I was told that no one would believe me as I was drunk and shouldn’t have been. From that moment on my life changed.
I should have told my parents but I was too ashamed, I was scared.
I didn’t understand what had happened to me, how could I. I didn’t tell my parents as the threats of violence were very severe. I knew it was wrong. It hurt like hell, everything hurt, I felt immense shame, I was angry and confused as a 13 year old boy. I wanted to leave the Army cadets afterwards. I never went back into that room alone again. In fact I stayed away from him as much as possible and stopped going as often.
Luckily, my dad got a new job and we moved from Scotland to Southern England a few months later. This gave me the opportunity to get away and forget what had happened, or try to. A young persons mind has the ability to block out things for a while.
We moved to Southern England and I had a whole new life, new school, new friends to make etc. I never forgot, in fact I remembered more about what happened and an anger built inside me. This anger made me do daft things, put my life at risk and be a complete asshole to people. I was a bully, always getting drunk, playing the fool and would do anything to get people to like me. I would hurt myself to get attention. This pain helped ease the images and thoughts in my head. I became addicted to painkillers that I would get from my grandmother which numbed the nightmares and wrecked my kidneys.
As a result of my mental health issues I have thrown away opportunities, relationships etc due to hiding my past and trying to deal with it without any help.
How this changed my life and set me on this path
16 years ago I was told I was going to become a father and that changed everything. I didn’t want to become a dad. I had told myself that I didn’t want to be a father. The emotions and memories linked to the abuse were so strong. One of my main fears about becoming a father was that my child may experience what had happened to me and that thought was unbearable. All the mental pain, lies from keeping this hidden, the shame of it all came flooding back and I started to lose control of my mental health.
After my son was born my relationship with my partner started to fall apart, I couldn’t explain to my partner how I was feeling, acting etc. I didn’t want to relive my past. I changed, started hurting myself again, putting my life at risk and abusing alcohol and medication, as I had done a lot in my younger years.
My partner, (now wife) went through hell with a new born child and me. Of course she didn’t understand, how could she but with her help and the doctors I gained some control. She helped me get medical help, we tried different medications etc. My doctor was a great help.
She helped me get counselling and kept me safe. I was not the best person I have been in my life. I was scared and reliving those terrible events from my past.
After a long period of trying different solutions I was finally diagnosed and treated for Complex PTSD by a local mental health charity. My counsellor was an ex army medic and helped me realise it wasn’t my fault. Through CBT ( Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) we relived my experiences, feelings and this helped me realise I was a victim of a evil predator and that has helped me come to terms with some of what happened to me.
My life has been controlled by my mental health issues daily
Occasionally when I am feeling a bit low, I will question why I have friends, why my friends want to be my friends and how people see me as a person. I lied and hid so much of what happened to me from so many people that its overwhelming sometimes. Another effect from the childhood trauma is the memory lapses, sometimes I don’t recognise people from my past but some of that was due to the substance abuse.
None of this has ever really been fully discussed. I started a journey to help myself and even after counselling I still struggle with nightmares and imagining the worst possible outcomes to situations. Even a passing comment in conversation that others may dismiss brings back flashbacks and gives me chills. To this day I still feel shame about what happened to me, I guess I always will.
I will never stop worrying about my sons, especially my youngest until he is at an age where he can look after himself.
I have been living with this for 38 years, it will be 39 years soon and its only my wife, children and parents that I have to thank for helping me. Every day I wake up either being in fear from a nightmare or knowing that that fear will return in an instant as a flashback. I owe my family and especially my wife so much. If it wasn’t for them, then I wouldn’t be writing this now and trying to help other people.
Thank you