I didn’t sleep very well last night, I don’t remember there being any nightmares. I didn’t wake up bathed in sweat like I usually do from such events so that was a good thing.
I struggled to fall asleep last night and I believe this was due to my overthinking about aspects of my life and how this affects others around me. Yesterday was a hard day for me, work had started ok and everything seemed like a pretty normal day.
Slowly I started to notice my mind was wandering, I was having trouble focusing on my work. What was going on.. My mind plays small tricks on me normally through the day and the effects can be quite distracting as these are always flashback to my childhood sexual abuse and other elements that have happened since.
Reliving these events, although briefly have a definite affect on my body, mentally and physically. If I can control my thoughts for a few minutes using the techniques I learned in my counselling I start to relax and clear these emotions. Sometimes I cannot keep these thoughts from my mind when they relate to me.
I have treated a lot of people badly in my past. I have been a complete asshole to people who care for me.
When my mindset gets into a particularly negative state I start to question my relationships with family and friends. I know my family love me but do they actually like me or are they just putting up with me in the hope that one day I will find myself, ease my mind to a different place and become a nicer and happier person to be around.
This is part of the problem with overthinking and reflection on the horrible things that have happened to me and how I have treated others.
I couldn’t relax last night and drift of to sleep, I tried but ended up watching videos on Youtube and trying to stop overthinking about what my friends and family really think of me. I was tired, emotionally and physically drained due to lack of sleep and fighting my ptsd, anxiety and depression symptoms all day long.
Looking back on my nights sleep I think I got about 4 – 5 hours if I was lucky, I switched Youtube off about 11pm, laid there trying to calm myself and occupy my brain with breathing exercises but I couldn’t stop the overthinking. I am unsure of what time I fell asleep but I remember checking my phone at 4.45am, this as the 3rd time I was awake.
It would be great to sleep through one whole night, like 8 – 9 hours without the need for sleeping tablets or other drugs to get me to calm down. To be honest, if I managed to get 6 – 7 hours sleep that would make a massive difference to my physical and mental health.
Hopefully I will get to that stage eventually, that’s why I have started this blog. It is to assist me in finding a way to help myself and show other people who maybe interested that it can be done, or at least they are not alone if they feel the same way.
I have been working on being more positive since my last post and although its early days, I think this way of dealing with my anxiety, depression and thought process has really been helpful.
There is no doubt that trying to be positive and even attempting to be positive for a few hours can be very rewarding. It seems like such an easy thing to do but it is actually quite difficult.
Even the slightest change to someone’s mood can affect their overall ability to be positive. I really struggle with this process of being positive, mainly due to the way my brain processes emotions. You could say that all the years of living with the after affects of bring a victim of childhood sexual abuse has slightly tainted my ability to embrace the idea.
With being positive and having a healthy, happy go lucky outlook, even being able to compartmentalise daily thoughts could increase anyone’s ability to embrace a positive outlook.
Hiding the effects of the trauma from sexual abuse, the fear, the nightmares and wishing you could remove what happened from your memory, even removing yourself from existence can all affect the way our brains work. Its really hard work when your world went to rat shit nearly 40 years ago and you’ve been living with and trying to manage the fallout from those events everyday since.
I have read a few web pages recently, even travelled down the Instagram video spiral after a video popped up telling me that I can gain positivity for the rest of my life..
The reality is that no matter what someone says, no matter what someone does, their experiences will be massively, if not completely different from everyone else. We are not robots or machines and we cannot process information the same way and or be expected to do so. Even a persons reaction to say a stinging nettle or a bee sting cannot be handled in the same way.
A person who has allergies to the toxins in the nettle or the bee sting could actually die from something that others may treat as a minor inconvenience. Not all people fall or fit into someone’s idea of how being positive helps them and how easy they find it. I guess what I am trying to say is we are all different.
We all have different levels of issues to deal with. We all process thoughts, issues, daily life differently and that’s just how the world works.
Update 25/09/204
I forgot about this blog and feel I have failed to write what had been concerning me. I will try and write this out better in the future.
I have been struggling over the last couple of weeks with feelings about how others, including family and close friends perceive me. Just what do they see.
This has been playing on my mind alot since my wife bought me a treat to cheer me up the other week as I seemed so sad. It has been affecting me more than I realise and also the other members of my household.
Yes everyone does naturally have a bad few days, or a temper tantrum over something small but I am starting to notice that the more I worry about how others see me the more I realise how my issues from childhood abuse affect them. I don’t want to come across as grumpy, moody, stressed and snapping at loved ones for no apparent reason and I definitely don’t want my sons to accept that this is the normal way.
I try to be happy, I try to be connected in conversations, I try to smile and be emotionally involved in day to day interactions with my sons but sometimes its so hard. Its like watching a film with 3 different sound tracks at the same time and trying to remember the important parts on each one so that you can answer questions. Mentally its incredibly tiring.
My youngest son seems to pick up on this effect more than the other members of my family, sometimes he has to repeat what he’s said as I don’t seem to take the information I am being told in. I can see the frustration on his face, it appears that I am not listening to him but in reality I am. I feel guilty.
Other thoughts, worries, a lot of them irrational and flashbacks to my abuse and the stupid and irresponsible things I have done since regularly plague my mind throughout a normal day. Dealing with these thoughts and the mental and physical emotions they stir is physically tiring. You use a lot of energy everyday worrying and attempting to manage the effects of living with ptsd. I am starting to notice that I sweat an incredible amount throughout the day when I am having a bad day. This just shows the strain and stress of dealing with these thoughts has on my physical health.
My wife and I sat down to watch a film the other night on Netflix and all was going well until the content steered towards child trafficking and sexual abuse. This instantly fired my emotional and mental state into a almost panic mode, the hairs on my arms stood up and I started to feel sick and uncomfortable. I swear my wife looked at me slightly to check if I was ok with the films content. It wasn’t graphic or heavy going so I managed to calm down but for a good ten minutes I struggled to control my thoughts and relax so that I could continue to watch the film.
This proves that my past and how I have lived my life has and will always affect how my wife lives her life. She definitely made a correlation between the films content and how that would affect me.
Wouldn’t it be nice if she never had to worry about how something in a film would affect me for the next few minutes, hours or in the worst case days and potentially affect her life in dealing with my reaction. I don’t and have never wanted to affect other members of my family and friends with how I react to certain things but I cant. Its so hard to control.
Sometimes its easier to hide my emotional state than other times and I think I do this quite well. I don’t want people I hardly know to see how stressed and worried I am. I try and make a concerted effort to smile, be polite and engage in conversations and have a laugh.
Sunday was as different matter, I couldn’t hide my emotions and thoughts. I didn’t sleep as usual and woke up sweaty so I knew I had a nightmare, I just couldn’t remember it thankfully. This however started my day badly and I couldn’t concentrate on the day ahead, we had a captains versus members golf match at the golf club.
I was initially paired with a particular new member who is already known for his slow play. Being paired in a two ball group aggravated me considerably and couldn’t hide my frustration. Several members mentioned to me quietly that I had look of thunder on my face. Golf is quite personal and I find it frustrating to not play at a good level of speed. It affects not just my own game but others who have to play slowly.
I couldn’t hide how I felt, I was tired, emotionally knackered and not looking forward to this now. I even thought about walking away and that is not like me.
Unfortunately for other members I managed to get the groups changed and this meant that I didn’t have to play with this member, others did and experienced the very slow play. Maybe you think I am selfish and wrong for getting these changes made but I was struggling to hide and hold my frustrations back.
I wasn’t happy with myself on Sunday, I didn’t play very well during my game as I had made a change to my day which affected others and for that I felt very guilty. I was quite down on myself for what I had done and did apologise to the unfortunate members afterwards.
The title says it all really, being positive as someone who has lived with the effects of childhood sexual abuse and post traumatic stress symptoms from this abuse is very tiring, this has affected my mental health.
It is an enduring struggle that continues hour by hour, day by day, month by month and year after year. This level of emotional and mental stress has definitely taken its told on my life in more ways than one. This has been my enduring struggle and affects all areas of my life
How these thoughts and effects control my life
All relationships, old and new have been and are affected. It is a constant struggle for me dealing with everyday life. Some might not get this but even the slightest emotional issue, a few cross words in an argument can cause certain mental health symptoms to develop and cause further issues. These emotional responses control my life. Its not a great way to live but I have no choice. It wasn’t my fault that this happened to me. I was and still am a victim.
The trigger for these symptoms could be anything from my past. There are certain subjects that trigger massive post traumatic stress disorder symptoms that are incredibly hard to control. It seems like every other week there is a report in the news or on social media of a child being hurt or physically abused by an adult that they trusted.
These symptoms include fear, worry, anxiety and depression.
No child deserves to go through what happens to them when they are abused. What happened to me was physical sexual abuse, that’s at the extreme end of the scale but even verbal abuse can cause emotional and mental issues that will affect the sufferer for potentially the rest of their lives.
Detailing my experiences is to hard at the moment
I am not willing to delve deeper into my experiences at the moment. I need to build up the courage. There are to many other factors and people involved.
I have been doing a great amount of reading recently regarding the power of positive thinking. I have mentioned this in some of my previous posts but now I am actively trying to use this to assist with my daily life. It sounds easy to “just be positive” but its not.
Emotionally tiring weekend, trying to stay positive
This weekend has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, up/down, up/down and down/down before rising back up again. My health to a dip this weekend, I was quite stressed when I finished work on Friday and my wife was away with the scouts this weekend so left on the Saturday morning and didn’t return until the Sunday afternoon.
My youngest son and his friend joined me at my golf clubs 50th Birthday celebration on Saturday. I had offered my assistance as men’s section vice captain. I had a small area for visitors to practice chipping as a golf skill. My son and his friend spent half an hour doing some chipping which attracted some interest.
Once visitors started showing some interest, I found myself struggling to be approachable and open to talking to the children and parents. I had to tell myself many times to smile, relax, be positive believe in myself and show these people how much I enjoy golf.
I did feel a bit better and happier about myself once I managed to force my fears out of my mind and embraced the event.
Saturday evening is when I started to struggle mentally, my sons friend had gone home, I had feed my youngest son, his elder sibling went out with friends to see a band. My youngest son spent the evening playing online which left me on my own. That’s when I started to dwell on issues, work, my health, even if had I done a good job today?
Anything that I was worried about crept back into my head. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from todays efforts. I hadn’t eaten anything for my dinner, in fact I hadn’t eaten all day. I did make sure to get my son and his friend lunch and snacks whilst at the golf club.
My mind was racing even though I tried to clear my thoughts.. I struggled to settle and sleep Saturday night,
Not letting my mental health issues affect my family
Sunday morning started with my sons football match. We went with his friend and his dad drove. I wasn’t in a very good mood on Sunday as we got ready to leave and I snapped at my son in response to what I thought was a stupid question. I apologised but the damage had been done. He was subdued during his football match, I shouted encouragement to try an undo what I had previously done.
He seemed happier at the end of the match, he had played well and I gave him a hug. I still felt guilty for the effect of my actions earlier.
I played golf yesterday afternoon, not very well but I had to get out and rid myself of my bad mood and the emotions I as displaying. This did help me feel better, I concentrated reasonably well and tried to enjoy myself.
When I got home my wife was back, my eldest had been looking after his younger brother for one hour before she got back. The mood in the house was slightly subdued, I am guessing they had talked about their respective weekends and discussed how I had acted.
Again I hadn’t eaten enough on Sunday, only managing to have a light snack last night.
What can I take away from this weekend to help me
Since I started writing this today, I have eaten a light lunch and I will eat a full meal tonight. I will complete my press-ups and squats. I have to do this, I cannot let this slip, I wasn’t in a good place over the weekend so I didn’t do it. I have cheated myself.
The kicker to all this is what my wife said to me earlier when she came home from food shopping. She said, “I brought you this as a treat because you don’t seem very happy at the moment.” That really hurt.
I feel very guilty right now for burdening my family with all of my emotions. They get so strong sometimes I cant hide them. I hate the fact that my past and my mental health and ptsd affects them so much. I don’t like myself right now but I am going to try and be happier and positive for my wife and children when they get home.
It must be very tiring for them, I love them all dearly and I will do anything for them. They don’t deserve to have their lives disrupted any further by my mental health issues. Its been going on for too long and needs to stop.
I finished work early on Friday so my wife suggested taking our sons to a local beach as a way of finishing the English school holidays. This sounded like the perfect way to spend an evening. We would get fish & Chips, eat the on the beach and then spend some time relaxing.
Everything started off fine, we didn’t leave until later than planned but traffic down to the coast wasn’t to bad. It normally takes 30mins but the journey this evening took 45 mins. Fish and chips were bought and we parked in a small side street close to the beach so we didn’t get caught out by car parking charges.
For some reason I already wasnt comfortable with being at the beach. I am still unsure what the kicker was for these feelings but they disappeared so no real drama.
The walk to the beach was uneventful and we got there to find out it was high tide, not a lot of space left to sit on the beach between the water and the land that backs on to the sand but enough.. Alot of people were starting to leave for home as it was already quite late by the time we had found a spot, put out the blanket and settled down to eat our food.
I don’t know if its just me but I am starting to find I have an issue with people not controlling their kids, especially the swearing from them in public. I know I sound grumpy but I cant help the way it bothers me. Guess I am just old fashioned.
Once we had finished our food and the boys had sat long enough to let their dinner settle we allowed our youngest son to go in the sea with his body board. It took a while to get our eldest to go in and join his brother but eventually that happened and it was great to see them playing with each other in the very small waves.
After a short while I started to feel unusually anxious, started getting nervous and couldn’t quite work out what the problem was. My eldest got out of the water and decided to get warm and dressed, couldn’t blame him, the sea wasn’t quite as warm as it could’ve been a few weeks earlier.
Then it hit me, my mind was trying to catastrophize the situation at the beach.. Here we were, a quiet pleasant evening sat on the beach and my mind was trying to play tricks on me. I had already mentioned to my wife that we should get going by a certain time and she pointed out that I should relax and enjoy the evening. Problem was that I could not do that. My mind started visualizing issues, what if my son in the water hurt himself, what if a rouge wave appeared and knocked him over, what if….
To deal with the way my brain was working and trying to control the thoughts and images I had to get up from the blanket and walk towards my youngest son. This helped my feelings and anxieties and helped me to calm down. As I have stated before, my mind does terrible things with the smallest of issue due to living with the effects of childhood abuse. It always runs to the worst possible outcome, even if there is no reason for those types of thoughts to be present.
About half an hour later my youngest son decided it was getting to cold, no more bigger waves were breaking on the beach, these were only caused by passing boats or ships, so we decided to pack up and head home. Luckily it was just light enough to see our way through the wooded area back to the car. They kids both had hot chocolate when they got home.
I woke on Saturday morning to my alarm at 5am, I knew I had not slept well and felt groggy and very lethargic. I had stayed up until midnight watching YouTube golf videos, I couldn’t sleep even with my medication which I had taken about 9pm. I was due to play golf with a friend at 6am so I made coffee, had a cigarette and headed to the golf course.
Long story short is I did not play very well. I wasn’t able to concentrate and see the positives in my game. My friend asked if I was ok and of course I fobbed him off with some excuse but the main take away from that was the effect my thoughts the previous night had on me. I didn’t realise until after our game, sat having a coffee that I was my own thoughts that had dragged me down.
I didn’t do much on Saturday afternoon, I was tired and pissed off at myself for the way I had behaved, I had also hurt my back, trying to chase the good golf of a couple of weeks ago and trying to hit the ball to hard.
Saturday night was quiet, my wife was out on a work event, I picked her and a friend up ,my wife was quite drunk so got her home and in bed. Went to see my youngest sons football match on Sunday morning. It was lovely to see him play and get involved in something he has just started. He didn’t get much time on the pitch. It made me happy to see him getting involved, having a go at new things. I got a boost from seeing his smile and hearing the excitement in his voice afterwards.
Played golf with a friend on Sunday afternoon at his local course, he is a member there so it was easy to get a tee time. We decided fr a bit of fun we would play for a pint. Loser buys the drink after.
This put a friendly but competitive edge on the game and much banter ensued when either of us didn’t score well on a hole. I eventually won but didn’t do myself any favours on a few holes. I did enjoy the pint of cider I had afterwards, victory tasted sweet.
Playing that round of golf has helped me realise, I have said it before I think, but being positive and believing you can do something instead of doubting or convincing yourself you cant is a better way to live.
This will always be an enduring struggle for me but I believe I have started a process that is helping me change the way my brain works. Only time will tell if it will but I am not going to stop. Yes its going to be hard work but I will stick with what I am doing. After so many decades of living with the effects of being a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I really wish I had done this a lot earlier.
