Created 24/09/2024
I have been struggling over the last couple of weeks with feelings about how others, including family and close friends perceive me. Just what do they see.
This has been playing on my mind alot since my wife bought me a treat to cheer me up the other week as I seemed so sad. It has been affecting me more than I realise and also the other members of my household.
Yes everyone does naturally have a bad few days, or a temper tantrum over something small but I am starting to notice that the more I worry about how others see me the more I realise how my issues from childhood abuse affect them. I don’t want to come across as grumpy, moody, stressed and snapping at loved ones for no apparent reason and I definitely don’t want my sons to accept that this is the normal way.
I try to be happy, I try to be connected in conversations, I try to smile and be emotionally involved in day to day interactions with my sons but sometimes its so hard. Its like watching a film with 3 different sound tracks at the same time and trying to remember the important parts on each one so that you can answer questions. Mentally its incredibly tiring.
My youngest son seems to pick up on this effect more than the other members of my family, sometimes he has to repeat what he’s said as I don’t seem to take the information I am being told in. I can see the frustration on his face, it appears that I am not listening to him but in reality I am. I feel guilty.
Other thoughts, worries, a lot of them irrational and flashbacks to my abuse and the stupid and irresponsible things I have done since regularly plague my mind throughout a normal day. Dealing with these thoughts and the mental and physical emotions they stir is physically tiring. You use a lot of energy everyday worrying and attempting to manage the effects of living with ptsd. I am starting to notice that I sweat an incredible amount throughout the day when I am having a bad day. This just shows the strain and stress of dealing with these thoughts has on my physical health.
My wife and I sat down to watch a film the other night on Netflix and all was going well until the content steered towards child trafficking and sexual abuse. This instantly fired my emotional and mental state into a almost panic mode, the hairs on my arms stood up and I started to feel sick and uncomfortable. I swear my wife looked at me slightly to check if I was ok with the films content. It wasn’t graphic or heavy going so I managed to calm down but for a good ten minutes I struggled to control my thoughts and relax so that I could continue to watch the film.
This proves that my past and how I have lived my life has and will always affect how my wife lives her life. She definitely made a correlation between the films content and how that would affect me.
Wouldn’t it be nice if she never had to worry about how something in a film would affect me for the next few minutes, hours or in the worst case days and potentially affect her life in dealing with my reaction. I don’t and have never wanted to affect other members of my family and friends with how I react to certain things but I cant. Its so hard to control.
Sometimes its easier to hide my emotional state than other times and I think I do this quite well. I don’t want people I hardly know to see how stressed and worried I am. I try and make a concerted effort to smile, be polite and engage in conversations and have a laugh.
Sunday was as different matter, I couldn’t hide my emotions and thoughts. I didn’t sleep as usual and woke up sweaty so I knew I had a nightmare, I just couldn’t remember it thankfully. This however started my day badly and I couldn’t concentrate on the day ahead, we had a captains versus members golf match at the golf club.
I was initially paired with a particular new member who is already known for his slow play. Being paired in a two ball group aggravated me considerably and couldn’t hide my frustration. Several members mentioned to me quietly that I had look of thunder on my face. Golf is quite personal and I find it frustrating to not play at a good level of speed. It affects not just my own game but others who have to play slowly.
I couldn’t hide how I felt, I was tired, emotionally knackered and not looking forward to this now. I even thought about walking away and that is not like me.
Unfortunately for other members I managed to get the groups changed and this meant that I didn’t have to play with this member, others did and experienced the very slow play. Maybe you think I am selfish and wrong for getting these changes made but I was struggling to hide and hold my frustrations back.
I wasn’t happy with myself on Sunday, I didn’t play very well during my game as I had made a change to my day which affected others and for that I felt very guilty. I was quite down on myself for what I had done and did apologise to the unfortunate members afterwards.
I owe them all a pint for this and will pay up.