Created on 23/07/2024
Its been a while since I’ve posted, I had planned on posting regularly, but I haven’t had the heart to do it.
Since writing out my history, I have been reliving a lot of my feelings and emotions relating to the childhood trauma I experienced. This has been extremely overwhelming and affected my life more than I expected.
Going back to the event, opening up and writing about my childhood trauma has really affected my life.
I have also been distant with my family members, trapped in my own head and generally feeling depressed. My anxieties and the effects this has on my daily life have dragged my brain back to living in a bubble that I don’t enjoy.
My ability to work with structure every day has diminished as my thoughts keep returning to my past and the horrific childhood abuse I endured. Its not easy to get thru the day, dealing with these emotions, its becoming harder to manage.
So here I am again, trying to manage this struggle, this never ending and enduring struggle that continues to be, at times the controlling element of my life and living with the way my brain works.
I should look after myself better, I really should. Recently I have lost a lot of weight, I have no energy and I am constantly tired.
The lack of sleep, constantly analysing everything, thinking that the worst could happen, even for a small thing is taking its toll. I never seem to be able to relax, when I think I have relaxed my wife says I still look very tense and stressed.
Relaxing for me is not worrying about my wife and children, or reliving my childhood abuse. Those brief moments of relief have been far and few between recently. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not have these thoughts, emotions and the constant stress of this struggle
So a month ago, my wife, who is a Cub Scout leader is helping out with a day trip. my son is a member of the group and there are plenty of other leaders looking after all the children. Again, my wife is with my son.
The day starts as any other, I’ve been awake since 5am, hardly slept, I have a headache, I’m tired..
As my wife and son are getting ready to leave for this cub trip, which involves a train journey to another city, attend a historical attraction and return later via train, I start to have thoughts about my son getting lost.
Why would I have those thoughts, he’s with his mother..
Here’s the rub, I cant stop myself from having those thoughts,
Just cant stop them, why do I think this way, why do the outcome of these thoughts spiral to even worse thoughts..
This is how I live my life.. A “normal” person without being subject to or dealing with the aftermath of childhood abuse and trauma and having to endure the effects that ptsd has on the brain, may be a little anxious that their child might get hurt, I don’t know if that’s true or not. This is the way I always think.
Everyone gets anxious about something happening to their child, that’s human nature. I want my son and his mother to have a great day out, enjoy the day and have fun with the other leaders and cub scouts.
I can tell you that my thought process doesn’t work like that.
What starts of as a basic worry quickly develops in to a fear, the feelings I have go from a slight worrying, this develops into a stronger anxiety, where I start to breath heavier, my pulse quickens and this escalates thru to almost a full on panic attack, from a single irrational thought. I try to calm myself and change my thought process.
I tell myself to stop being so stupid, nothing like that is going to happen, it cant but I’m still fighting myself. before I know what’s happened my brain has jumped to the conclusion that my son has gotten lost and I wont see him again..
Trying to manage this type of thought process is incredibly hard work. its emotionally and physically tiring. not just that, its trying to keep a lid on reality, telling everyone around you that your ok, there’s nothing wrong while my mind is swamped with thoughts of fear , dread and unknown sorrow.
As it happens, my son and his mum, the other cub scouts and the leaders had a great day, the train journey was exciting and everybody had fun. More importantly there were no issues. My son did not get lost. I managed to calm myself after a while, text messages and pictures of my son having fun helped my anxiety ease and I managed to get on with my day.
I will admit I gave my son a big hug and kiss when he got home