an enduring struggle

Created on 06/08/2024

Wow.. What a strange few days I have experienced since my last post..

Its been a real rollercoaster of emotions this past week and weekend..

Friday was a very strange and upsetting day to start my weekend, just when I thought I had got a slight handle on my anxiety and depression when I was slapped in the face with the knowledge that my work life was going to change dramatically

There had been talk a couple of months ago about my contract being extended as there was enough technical work to keep me on and assist my current contract employer with a new project.

I haven’t received an official update via my contract agency but people talk and the confirmed by senior management rumour is there will not be anymore work for me. I have been there for the past 3 years, and have previously been working there before on other contracts.

Initially I didn’t let this news worry me, I know there is always a chance that things will change from a business point of view.

As the afternoon went on I started to lose my concentration, dwelling on the fact that I will need to look for another role, my enthusiasm dropped and I started to feel quite sad.. This sadness slowly grew into a feeling of dread and desperation and although I tried to keep my emotions in check I had a panic attack.

I started feeling uncomfortable sat at my desk and continuing to work, my adrenalin started flowing and my body temperature increase and this made me feel slightly sick. Even concentrating on my breathing and attempting to regulate my body with calming thoughts couldn’t stop what was about to happen.

Within a very short time my mind went from slightly worrying about getting a new contract to catastrophising that I wouldn’t find a new role, I would end up losing my house as I couldn’t pay the bills and the thoughts that I would have let my wife and kids down.

These images in my head flashed before me and they got so bad that I started to shake and feel physically sick. A full on panic attack like I have had many times before, from a minor thought about money worries.

I can only relay this type of reaction as being linked to the way my brain works and the effects that my childhood sexual abuse has had on my way of thinking. I can not explain this type of reaction as being from anything else. Why should and why would I panic like this. I really thought I had some control over myself, this is clearly not the case.

After walking away from my desk and calling my wife, she was away camping with my youngest son and friends, my wife managed to calm me down and helped me see that we would be ok. It might be hard but I will get another job and we as a family will be ok. Our phone conversation changed and we talked about how good her week away was with friends and my youngest son, this was really helpful and changed my mind set. I managed to calm down enough to stop shaking and really used my wife’s affirmations to help me get back to a relatively calm level.

My evening was quiet, my oldest son, as usual was in his room playing video games all night so after I had done my exercise, (just some press-ups and squats), I settled down in the hope I would get some sleep after watching some of the Olympics 2024 coverage/highlights. I took my medication and hoped I would be asleep at a reasonable time as I had a busy day ahead of me.

Sleep eventually came sometime after 1am.. My medication is supposed to help me sleep, its one of the more specific medications for anxiety and depression and ptsd symptoms. My brain would not switch off. There was no dwelling on earlier events, I was trying really hard to keep my mind focused on positive thoughts but it wouldn’t switch off and let me sleep. Normally my medication acts within 1 hour or so..

Saturday started like most days, I had woken with a start during the night, this is a usual occurrence. I don’t remember having a nightmare but sometimes I do, even though my medication is supposed to help me sleep thru. Myself and wife’s friends husband travelled to assist the ladies and children pack up from they’re holiday and we towed the caravan back and helped out. My wife and youngest son gave me a massive hug when they saw me. Saturday after their return was mainly chores, unpacking from holiday and clothes washing.

I did manage to sleep Saturday night, not the whole night thru but I did manage a block of 4 – 5 hours, this is good sleep for me

Sunday morning comes round, I have been awake from 5 am, cant get back to sleep as my alarm will be going off shortly for golf so I just try and clear my mind, trying to imagine a good game of golf today, I haven’t been playing very well recently.

Lets try something new today was my thought process for golf, I grabbed a sandwich, snack and drink on my way to golf.

We tee off, myself and 3 other members of the men’s section for a stableford weekly competition, I have a putt on the 1st hole from 30 feet for par. Be positive is my thought process and I hole the put for par, wow..

2nd hole par 3, be positive with my thoughts and I sink another putt for the par.

3rd hole, par 5, I’m making sure I stay positive and commit to my shots, I end up with a birdie, yes, get in.

The story of my golf on Sunday was amazing for myself. I concentrated 100%, put full commitment into my golf game and stayed positive, even though it was very hard and I was starting to panic towards then end.

I shot 73 on my home golf course. Its a par 70 course.

Last week I shot 92 on the very same course and left there after having a horrible game feeling depressed and not happy with myself.

This Sunday was different in so many ways. I had shot my best ever round of golf since I have been playing this game. I did drop 3 shots in the last 2 holes, I was mentally tired and very emotional.

My friend, I will call him G said to me as we walked up the 16th hole, I was level par at this point, that it had been a pleasure to watch me play golf today. I almost cried and had to walk off to the left so he couldn’t see.

The last 2 holes were two wrong decisions. I could dwell on this but I am not going to let two slight and silly mistakes affect what for me is a massive achievement. Every member of the men’s section who were there have personally congratulated me on my best ever round of golf.

Another member who played with me and marked my card even took a picture of my card and put it on the members chat for all to see. I have received a lot of congratulations from other members of the men’s section for shooting my 73. I feel so happy that I have managed to keep my head together and make the score I did.

My confidence in my own abilities, who I am, how others see me and managing my thoughts has grown massively from Sunday. Its always going to be an enduring struggle with the way my mind works, how I feel, what my brain thinks and managing my emotions.

This weekend as definitely a rollercoaster emotionally, but I am very happy with how I managed myself and my thought process.

Created on 23/07/2024

Its been a while since I’ve posted, I had planned on posting regularly, but I haven’t had the heart to do it.

Since writing out my history, I have been reliving a lot of my feelings and emotions relating to the childhood trauma I experienced. This has been extremely overwhelming and affected my life more than I expected.

Going back to the event, opening up and writing about my childhood trauma has really affected my life.

I have also been distant with my family members, trapped in my own head and generally feeling depressed. My anxieties and the effects this has on my daily life have dragged my brain back to living in a bubble that I don’t enjoy.

My ability to work with structure every day has diminished as my thoughts keep returning to my past and the horrific childhood abuse I endured. Its not easy to get thru the day, dealing with these emotions, its becoming harder to manage.

So here I am again, trying to manage this struggle, this never ending and enduring struggle that continues to be, at times the controlling element of my life and living with the way my brain works.

I should look after myself better, I really should. Recently I have lost a lot of weight, I have no energy and I am constantly tired.

The lack of sleep, constantly analysing everything, thinking that the worst could happen, even for a small thing is taking its toll. I never seem to be able to relax, when I think I have relaxed my wife says I still look very tense and stressed.

Relaxing for me is not worrying about my wife and children, or reliving my childhood abuse. Those brief moments of relief have been far and few between recently. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not have these thoughts, emotions and the constant stress of this struggle

So a month ago, my wife, who is a Cub Scout leader is helping out with a day trip. my son is a member of the group and there are plenty of other leaders looking after all the children. Again, my wife is with my son.

The day starts as any other, I’ve been awake since 5am, hardly slept, I have a headache, I’m tired..

As my wife and son are getting ready to leave for this cub trip, which involves a train journey to another city, attend a historical attraction and return later via train, I start to have thoughts about my son getting lost.

Why would I have those thoughts, he’s with his mother..

Here’s the rub, I cant stop myself from having those thoughts,

Just cant stop them, why do I think this way, why do the outcome of these thoughts spiral to even worse thoughts..

This is how I live my life.. A “normal” person without being subject to or dealing with the aftermath of childhood abuse and trauma and having to endure the effects that ptsd has on the brain, may be a little anxious that their child might get hurt, I don’t know if that’s true or not. This is the way I always think.

Everyone gets anxious about something happening to their child, that’s human nature. I want my son and his mother to have a great day out, enjoy the day and have fun with the other leaders and cub scouts.

I can tell you that my thought process doesn’t work like that.

What starts of as a basic worry quickly develops in to a fear, the feelings I have go from a slight worrying, this develops into a stronger anxiety, where I start to breath heavier, my pulse quickens and this escalates thru to almost a full on panic attack, from a single irrational thought. I try to calm myself and change my thought process.

I tell myself to stop being so stupid, nothing like that is going to happen, it cant but I’m still fighting myself. before I know what’s happened my brain has jumped to the conclusion that my son has gotten lost and I wont see him again..

Trying to manage this type of thought process is incredibly hard work. its emotionally and physically tiring. not just that, its trying to keep a lid on reality, telling everyone around you that your ok, there’s nothing wrong while my mind is swamped with thoughts of fear , dread and unknown sorrow.

As it happens, my son and his mum, the other cub scouts and the leaders had a great day, the train journey was exciting and everybody had fun. More importantly there were no issues. My son did not get lost. I managed to calm myself after a while, text messages and pictures of my son having fun helped my anxiety ease and I managed to get on with my day.

I will admit I gave my son a big hug and kiss when he got home