Created 09/09/2024
The title says it all really, being positive as someone who has lived with the effects of childhood sexual abuse and post traumatic stress symptoms from this abuse is very tiring, this has affected my mental health.
It is an enduring struggle that continues hour by hour, day by day, month by month and year after year. This level of emotional and mental stress has definitely taken its told on my life in more ways than one. This has been my enduring struggle and affects all areas of my life
How these thoughts and effects control my life
All relationships, old and new have been and are affected. It is a constant struggle for me dealing with everyday life. Some might not get this but even the slightest emotional issue, a few cross words in an argument can cause certain mental health symptoms to develop and cause further issues. These emotional responses control my life. Its not a great way to live but I have no choice. It wasn’t my fault that this happened to me. I was and still am a victim.
The trigger for these symptoms could be anything from my past. There are certain subjects that trigger massive post traumatic stress disorder symptoms that are incredibly hard to control. It seems like every other week there is a report in the news or on social media of a child being hurt or physically abused by an adult that they trusted.
These symptoms include fear, worry, anxiety and depression.
No child deserves to go through what happens to them when they are abused. What happened to me was physical sexual abuse, that’s at the extreme end of the scale but even verbal abuse can cause emotional and mental issues that will affect the sufferer for potentially the rest of their lives.
Detailing my experiences is to hard at the moment
I am not willing to delve deeper into my experiences at the moment. I need to build up the courage. There are to many other factors and people involved.
I have been doing a great amount of reading recently regarding the power of positive thinking. I have mentioned this in some of my previous posts but now I am actively trying to use this to assist with my daily life. It sounds easy to “just be positive” but its not.
Emotionally tiring weekend, trying to stay positive
This weekend has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, up/down, up/down and down/down before rising back up again. My health to a dip this weekend, I was quite stressed when I finished work on Friday and my wife was away with the scouts this weekend so left on the Saturday morning and didn’t return until the Sunday afternoon.
My youngest son and his friend joined me at my golf clubs 50th Birthday celebration on Saturday. I had offered my assistance as men’s section vice captain. I had a small area for visitors to practice chipping as a golf skill. My son and his friend spent half an hour doing some chipping which attracted some interest.
Once visitors started showing some interest, I found myself struggling to be approachable and open to talking to the children and parents. I had to tell myself many times to smile, relax, be positive believe in myself and show these people how much I enjoy golf.
I did feel a bit better and happier about myself once I managed to force my fears out of my mind and embraced the event.
Saturday evening is when I started to struggle mentally, my sons friend had gone home, I had feed my youngest son, his elder sibling went out with friends to see a band. My youngest son spent the evening playing online which left me on my own. That’s when I started to dwell on issues, work, my health, even if had I done a good job today?
Anything that I was worried about crept back into my head. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from todays efforts. I hadn’t eaten anything for my dinner, in fact I hadn’t eaten all day. I did make sure to get my son and his friend lunch and snacks whilst at the golf club.
My mind was racing even though I tried to clear my thoughts.. I struggled to settle and sleep Saturday night,
Not letting my mental health issues affect my family
Sunday morning started with my sons football match. We went with his friend and his dad drove. I wasn’t in a very good mood on Sunday as we got ready to leave and I snapped at my son in response to what I thought was a stupid question. I apologised but the damage had been done. He was subdued during his football match, I shouted encouragement to try an undo what I had previously done.
He seemed happier at the end of the match, he had played well and I gave him a hug. I still felt guilty for the effect of my actions earlier.
I played golf yesterday afternoon, not very well but I had to get out and rid myself of my bad mood and the emotions I as displaying. This did help me feel better, I concentrated reasonably well and tried to enjoy myself.
When I got home my wife was back, my eldest had been looking after his younger brother for one hour before she got back. The mood in the house was slightly subdued, I am guessing they had talked about their respective weekends and discussed how I had acted.
Again I hadn’t eaten enough on Sunday, only managing to have a light snack last night.
What can I take away from this weekend to help me
Since I started writing this today, I have eaten a light lunch and I will eat a full meal tonight. I will complete my press-ups and squats. I have to do this, I cannot let this slip, I wasn’t in a good place over the weekend so I didn’t do it. I have cheated myself.
The kicker to all this is what my wife said to me earlier when she came home from food shopping. She said, “I brought you this as a treat because you don’t seem very happy at the moment.” That really hurt.
I feel very guilty right now for burdening my family with all of my emotions. They get so strong sometimes I cant hide them. I hate the fact that my past and my mental health and ptsd affects them so much. I don’t like myself right now but I am going to try and be happier and positive for my wife and children when they get home.
It must be very tiring for them, I love them all dearly and I will do anything for them. They don’t deserve to have their lives disrupted any further by my mental health issues. Its been going on for too long and needs to stop.