It has been a while since I have written anything about how my mental health has been affected by my past. Things have come to a head and if I am to continue and survive, I know I must make a fundamentally change my outlook on life.
Hiding how you feel, especially from the people you love and hold dearly is a massive mistake. Don’t do it. I really thought I could manage my emotions. I kept telling myself I would get better but I haven’t. Things have developed and my situation is now worse than it was before.
I have asked my wife and doctors for help. I cant take this stress anymore.
If anyone has read some of my previous posts and my about page then you will see that I have had mental health issues for most of my life. I suffer daily with emotions like fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, depression and self loathing. I guess what I am trying to say is I pretty much hate myself.
Hate is a very strong way to describe how someone feels about themselves. but I cannot at this stage in my life define it in any other way. I don’t like who I am, I don’t like what I have done to people in my past, how I have treated people. Most of all at this point in my life I don’t like what I have done to my wife and my children.
I believe my mental health issues have negatively affected the other members of my family and this will have tainted their outlook on life. My wife is amazing and is trying to stay positive but I know my behaviours are and will eventually wear her down. I don’t want that to happen. I love her so much and she deserves to be happy and have a great life. Sometimes I feel like a burden to her, she didn’t ask for all this shit that I struggle to deal with.
I am highly aware that my mental health has taken a big step backwards. I broke down last week and had to tell my wife that I am not well. She told me that she knew I had been hiding how I feel. I spoke to the doctors and I am back on medication. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss what’s going on and to see if they can help.
My mental health issues are affecting my children
It must be hard for children to live in a family unit with an adult who has mental health issues. Some children unfortunately have to deal with alcoholic parents, abusive parents and all manner of other types of influences. Every child deserves to grow up in a loving and supportive environment. I know some will say that this is a pipe dream, but I wonder constantly what my life would be like now if I had a childhood free from the effects of being sexually abused.
In fact I often think about how my life would’ve been different when I lie awake at 3 or 4am in the morning after a nightmare. I guess what I am trying to say is that the influences you receive at a young age go on to affect your life for the rest of it. This is why I must get help and change how I think. I don’t have a lot of my life left and I really would like to enjoy the last few bits.
I don’t want my children to remember me as a grumpy old man. There must be a change. I need to change my outlook on life. I need to get help. They should remember their parents as supportive, loving and great people to be around. My childhood was different. I shut myself off from my family. I didn’t have the emotional control or the ability or the confidence to explain what had happened to me. Some of my strongest memories of that time were being scared to open up and admit that I had been abused. I was scared they would hate me or blame me for what happened to me. I still feel ashamed to this day.
Trying to limit the impact of my mental health issues on my family
My eldest son has been dealing with his own identity issues for the last few years. A couple of years ago he came to us and asked that we call him by a female name. There had always been an inkling that he may be confused about his identity and sexuality and this has been confirmed. K as I will call her had been using this identity within her friend group for quite sometime before she had the courage to speak to myself and her mum.
We have had to manage some issues with self harming and the fact that unfortunately a couple of K’s friends have not had a good start to their teenage lives. One has unfortunately taken their own life
We knew there were issues. It wasn’t just hormones. We have been trying to help since she started secondary school. Every parent nowadays must be aware that there are so many influences on children. We must manage these and help as much as possible when we can. When it became obvious that this was the main issue we have been completely supportive from that point onwards. Yes, it is hard to keep the pronouns correct but we make every effort to do this and it does get easier as time goes by. I still find myself reverting to the original identity occasionally when I am angry or annoyed by her actions.
How we have tried to deal with this
It was a massive change for all of us in this family. It has not just affected K but also her little brother. We have spoken to the school to explain that this has taken place as my youngest son was greatly affected by this change. He has and still does look up to K but we have noticed that he doesn’t talk about K the way he used to.
As he is growing older and becoming more aware of himself we can definitely see this change. They still interact and play fight with each other but he doesn’t talk anymore about his big brother. Sometimes we notice that he stops himself before speaking. I believe this is why he has developed a slight stutter.
My youngest son has also started to develop some separation anxiety, he doesn’t want to sleep alone and wants cuddles with his mum a lot more. And he is now afraid of the dark. Some of this may have come from films and television shows and other external influences. We do try and monitor this. He told me last night there are scary things in the dark that we cant see.