Created 03/09/2024
I finished work early on Friday so my wife suggested taking our sons to a local beach as a way of finishing the English school holidays. This sounded like the perfect way to spend an evening. We would get fish & Chips, eat the on the beach and then spend some time relaxing.
Everything started off fine, we didn’t leave until later than planned but traffic down to the coast wasn’t to bad. It normally takes 30mins but the journey this evening took 45 mins. Fish and chips were bought and we parked in a small side street close to the beach so we didn’t get caught out by car parking charges.
For some reason I already wasnt comfortable with being at the beach. I am still unsure what the kicker was for these feelings but they disappeared so no real drama.
The walk to the beach was uneventful and we got there to find out it was high tide, not a lot of space left to sit on the beach between the water and the land that backs on to the sand but enough.. Alot of people were starting to leave for home as it was already quite late by the time we had found a spot, put out the blanket and settled down to eat our food.
I don’t know if its just me but I am starting to find I have an issue with people not controlling their kids, especially the swearing from them in public. I know I sound grumpy but I cant help the way it bothers me. Guess I am just old fashioned.
Once we had finished our food and the boys had sat long enough to let their dinner settle we allowed our youngest son to go in the sea with his body board. It took a while to get our eldest to go in and join his brother but eventually that happened and it was great to see them playing with each other in the very small waves.
After a short while I started to feel unusually anxious, started getting nervous and couldn’t quite work out what the problem was. My eldest got out of the water and decided to get warm and dressed, couldn’t blame him, the sea wasn’t quite as warm as it could’ve been a few weeks earlier.
Then it hit me, my mind was trying to catastrophize the situation at the beach.. Here we were, a quiet pleasant evening sat on the beach and my mind was trying to play tricks on me. I had already mentioned to my wife that we should get going by a certain time and she pointed out that I should relax and enjoy the evening. Problem was that I could not do that. My mind started visualizing issues, what if my son in the water hurt himself, what if a rouge wave appeared and knocked him over, what if….
To deal with the way my brain was working and trying to control the thoughts and images I had to get up from the blanket and walk towards my youngest son. This helped my feelings and anxieties and helped me to calm down. As I have stated before, my mind does terrible things with the smallest of issue due to living with the effects of childhood abuse. It always runs to the worst possible outcome, even if there is no reason for those types of thoughts to be present.
About half an hour later my youngest son decided it was getting to cold, no more bigger waves were breaking on the beach, these were only caused by passing boats or ships, so we decided to pack up and head home. Luckily it was just light enough to see our way through the wooded area back to the car. They kids both had hot chocolate when they got home.
I woke on Saturday morning to my alarm at 5am, I knew I had not slept well and felt groggy and very lethargic. I had stayed up until midnight watching YouTube golf videos, I couldn’t sleep even with my medication which I had taken about 9pm. I was due to play golf with a friend at 6am so I made coffee, had a cigarette and headed to the golf course.
Long story short is I did not play very well. I wasn’t able to concentrate and see the positives in my game. My friend asked if I was ok and of course I fobbed him off with some excuse but the main take away from that was the effect my thoughts the previous night had on me. I didn’t realise until after our game, sat having a coffee that I was my own thoughts that had dragged me down.
I didn’t do much on Saturday afternoon, I was tired and pissed off at myself for the way I had behaved, I had also hurt my back, trying to chase the good golf of a couple of weeks ago and trying to hit the ball to hard.
Saturday night was quiet, my wife was out on a work event, I picked her and a friend up ,my wife was quite drunk so got her home and in bed. Went to see my youngest sons football match on Sunday morning. It was lovely to see him play and get involved in something he has just started. He didn’t get much time on the pitch. It made me happy to see him getting involved, having a go at new things. I got a boost from seeing his smile and hearing the excitement in his voice afterwards.
Played golf with a friend on Sunday afternoon at his local course, he is a member there so it was easy to get a tee time. We decided fr a bit of fun we would play for a pint. Loser buys the drink after.
This put a friendly but competitive edge on the game and much banter ensued when either of us didn’t score well on a hole. I eventually won but didn’t do myself any favours on a few holes. I did enjoy the pint of cider I had afterwards, victory tasted sweet.
Playing that round of golf has helped me realise, I have said it before I think, but being positive and believing you can do something instead of doubting or convincing yourself you cant is a better way to live.
This will always be an enduring struggle for me but I believe I have started a process that is helping me change the way my brain works. Only time will tell if it will but I am not going to stop. Yes its going to be hard work but I will stick with what I am doing. After so many decades of living with the effects of being a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I really wish I had done this a lot earlier.