Created on 02/08/2024
I have really been struggling over the last month since starting this journey. I hadn’t realised just how much until I look back on what’s happened..
Its the little things that start to build up, they start of as very small issues and gradually grow into problems. My health has definitely suffered over the past month and these have been some of the affects that my anxiety and depression have caused
Sleep deprivation is the major factor, its hard to get up and motivated when your only getting 4 – 5 hours of broken sleep ever night.
My appetite has been severely affected, even to the point where I don’t want to eat. This doesn’t help with my energy levels but its all so a major sign of depression. I know i should force myself to eat, I need to eat to stay healthy but that’s easier said than done.
My eyesight is being affected by my lack of eating, i am really starting to notice this. As anyone with anxiety and depression will tell you its tiring in so many ways
Sometimes I cant be bothered to eat, look after myself or just help myself to get better. Its a sort of ” what’s the point” attitude. Again an issue. I’m kind of used to it but its becoming a problem now as friends I play golf with have made some comments recently, they started off as just asking if I’m ok but its becoming noticeable that I’m not doing well. A few have noticed and mentioned my weight loss.
Of course I try to hide this but when your playing golf as badly as I have have for the last month then its very noticeable. There’s no hiding in the game of golf
I started playing golf again as a way to help myself with my mental health. I used to play when I was much younger, nothing serious but it was enjoyable.
Fishing was my main activity for years but I finally realised that sitting by the side of the lake for a weekend, waiting for the fish to bite was not good for my mental health. I had to much time to think about my life, fishing was enjoyable and i did enjoy all that time on my own. Unfortunately, my thought process did not help and this would eventually drag me down.
I still enjoy fishing, I don’t spend whole weekends doing it by myself, my wife and my youngest son occasionally go to a local lake for a day and enjoy the outdoors and if we catch fish even better. It normally ends a little earlier that expected as my son eventually gets bored. Hopefully we may manage an over night fishing trip this summer.
So I took up golf again, joined my local golf club and have been an active member of the men’s section since 2015. I have won a couple of board competitions and have my name on two trophies.
Golf is a mental game more than a physical game, there is so much going on whilst trying to play that any distraction will affect the next shot. I’ve not had any real peace in my head since starting to document my journey. This is hard and really affecting my golf game. This makes me sad and I question things. Mostly I think my bad golf is due to not eating and having no energy. Again this is a side effect of my anxiety and depression.
My concentration has also gone recently, I find my mind fliting between thoughts all day long but never seem to get anything done.
One of my biggest issues at present is my self confidence and self esteem. I have a distinct lack of both and that’s becoming noticeable to my golf friends. I enjoy playing golf as it should be a 4 – 5 hour period where I can block out certain thoughts and feelings and concentrate on the game of golf.
This has not been the case recently, there’s no jokey or laughing anymore from me. I’ve shut down as a person, apart from the odd remark and I’m not enjoying the game I love.
I will take this as a warning sign that things need to change, not just 1 or 2 elements but all elements of my life need to change. I need to eat, I need to sleep, I need to exercise, I need to believe in myself that I can do those basic things and then I’m sure I will start to feel better about myself and that will help my anxiety and depression.